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板凳
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发表于 2013-2-15 02:58:09
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楚天 发表于 2013-2-14 12:58 ![]()
最后一句太残酷
真相都不那么好看
再转一篇英文的：@草纹 @到处停留的叶子
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Aloneness: The first lesson of Love
A person who loves being alone is capable of love; a person who feels loneliness is incapable of love.
Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole Universe with your presence, and there is no need for anybody.
Without the other, we don’t know who we are; we lose our identity. The other becomes a mirror and we can see our faces in it.
Without the other, we are suddenly thrown to ourselves. Great discomfort and inconvenience arise, because we don’t know who we are. When we are alone we are in very strange company, very embarrassing company. We don’t know with who we are.
With the other, things are clear, defined. We know the name, we know the form, we know the man, or the woman – Hindu, Christian, Indian, American – there are some ways to define the other. How to define yourself?
Deep down there is an abyss. undefinable. There is an abyss. emptiness. You start merging into that. It creates fear. You become frightened. You want to rush towards the other. The other helps you to hang out; the other helps you to remain out. When there is nobody, you are simply left with your emptiness.
Aloneness is Your Nature
The first thing to realise is that whether you want or not, you are alone. Aloneness is your very nature. You can try to forget it; you can try not to be alone by making friends, having lovers, mixing in the crowd. But whatever you do remains just on the surface. Deep inside, your aloneness is unreachable, untouchable. A strange accident happens to every human being: as he is born the very situation of his birth begins in a family. And there is no other way, because the human child is the weakest child. Other animals are born complete. A dog is going to remain a dog his whole life, he is not going to evolve, grow.
Yes, he will become aged, old, but he will not become more intelligent, he will not become more aware, he will not become enlightened. In that sense all the animals remain exactly at the point of their birth; nothing essential changes in them. Their death and their birth are horizontal – in one line. Only man has the possibility of going vertical, upwards, not just horizontal. Man is born in a family amongst human beings. From the very first moment he is not alone; hence, he gets a certain psychology of always remaining with people. In aloneness he starts feeling scared… unknown fears. He is not exactly aware of what he is afraid of, but as he moves out of the crowd something inside him becomes uneasy. It is because of this reason he never comes to know the beauty of aloneness; the fear prevents him.
Fear of being alone
Nobody wants to be alone. The greatest fear in the world is to be left alone. People do a thousand and one things just not to be left alone. You imitate your neighbours, so you are just like them, and you are not left alone. You lose your individuality, you lose your uniqueness, you just become imitators, because, if you are not imitators, you will be left alone.
You become part of the crowd, you become part of a church, you become part of an organisation. Somehow, you want to merge with a crowd where you can feel at ease, that you are not alone, there are so many people like you — so many Mohammedans like you, so many Hindus like you, so many Christians, millions of them. you are not alone.
To be alone is really the greatest miracle. That means now you don’t belong to any Church, you don’t belong to any organisation, you don’t belong to any theology, you don’t belong to any ideology — Socialist, Communist, Fascist, Hindu, Christian, Jain, Buddhist – you don’t belong, you simply are. And, you have learnt how to love your indefinable, ineffable reality. You have come to know how to be with yourself.
Absence of the other
To illustrate one example. If the whole world disappears the Zen master will not miss anything. If suddenly by some magic the whole world disappears, and this Zen master is left alone, he will be as happy as ever; he will not miss anything. He will love that tremendous emptiness, this pure infinity. He will not miss anything, because he has arrived home. He knows that he himself is enough unto himself.
This does not mean that a man who has become enlightened and has come home does not live with others. In fact, only he is capable of being with others. Because, he is capable of being with himself, he becomes capable of being with others. If you are not capable of being with yourself, how can you be capable of being with others?
Learn to be alone
A man who loves his aloneness is capable of love, and a man who feels loneliness is incapable of love.
A man who is happy with himself is full of love, flowing. He does not need anybody’s love; hence, he can give. When you are in need, how can you give? You are a beggar. And, when you can give, much love comes towards you. It is a response, a natural response. The first lesson of love is to learn how to be alone.
Try it, to have the feel. Just sit alone sometimes. That’s what meditation is all about – just sitting alone, doing nothing. Just try. If you start feeling lonely then there is something missing in your being, then you have not been able yet to understand who you are.
Then go deeper into this loneliness until you come to a layer when suddenly loneliness transforms itself into aloneness. It transforms – it is a negative aspect of the same phenomenon.
Loneliness is the negative aspect of aloneness. If you go deeper into it, one moment is bound to come when suddenly you will start feeling the positive aspect of it.
Love, not Obsession
Love is emotion in motion that holds us all together. Ironically, love is often confused with deceptive feelings that seem like love—though they are not.
In wanting I give to receive
In loving I receive from giving.
—Anonymous
Attachment and obsession are two most common feelings mistakenly thought of as love. There is a significant difference between genuine love and obsession/attachment. If you’re thinking that only romantic, or erotic, love is subject to such confusion, you’re wrong.
As you will see from the cases in point that follow, familial love such as love between mother and child, or platonic friendship, or even love for a pet, are also just as vulnerable to such a mix-up. In fact, often times true love is insulated with a sheathing of selfish obsession, which is neither healthy for the self, nor for others. A gentle uncovering is needed to reveal healthy, happy love. This is why it becomes important to be able to discern what love truly is and what it is not.
What is genuine love
Love is about nurturing and helping the loved one grow. When we feel genuine love towards another, we are concerned about the wellbeing of the loved one. In feeling so, we are willing to let go of our own wants and desires. When we love someone, we want to ensure that she/he becomes emotionally independent, self-reliant and possesses a healthy self-respect. We want our beloved to be able to think as an individual, and be strong enough to experience life’s ups and downs without getting bogged down.
Sometimes, this requires difficult decisions on our part. Like when we know that someone we love is making a mistake, we allow him or her to do so, knowing fully well that making mistakes are part of growing up and overprotecting impedes the development of the person.
Love frees, obsession cages
When we are obsessed, we lose objectivity and want a dependency-relationship. This dependency could be one-way or two-way; either way, it turns out to be a cage.
We have all known, or heard about, individuals who threaten to commit suicide if they don’t get their object of love. Fervent statements such as, “I can’t live without my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife,” are usually the result of obsession, not love.
In his book, The Road Less Travelled, M Scott Peck defines dependency as the inability to function adequately without the certainty that one is actively being cared for by another. He differentiates “dependency” from “dependency needs, or feelings” which, he reckons, is normal. All of us like to be cared for, but it is only when such desires begin to rule us and dictate the quality of our lives that we become “dependent.”
Obsession is a neurosis detrimental to our wellbeing. In acting obsessively we hinder our growth and that of our loved one. When a mother doesn’t let her teenage son leave the city/country for higher studies because she is “afraid” that he won’t be able to take care of himself, is she demonstrating love or dependency? Certainly her concern comes across as love, but it might actually be dependency. She probably likes to be needed by her son because she feels worthwhile that way. If she lets him go away, she might be making him take his first step towards independence – he may, thereafter, not need her.
Love, on the other hand, encourages risk-taking and independence. In the above example, if the mother genuinely loves her son, she would risk her own feelings of concern for her son in lieu of his growth towards self-reliance. Any relationship comes bundled with the risk of loss. People who love genuinely acknowledge and accept this fact.
Love gives, obsession depletes
When we are obsessed, which is in contrast to true love, we care little for anything else except self. What does this mean? An obsessed person is concerned only about his own feelings, and consequently all his acts are motivated by a desire to meet his own expectations. Therefore, even when she/he’s acting generously towards his/her beloved, the motivation is selfish. For example, an obsessed man showers his girlfriend with gifts, because that makes her happy, and she thinks he’s so caring and loving which, in turn, delights him. The intention then is to purchase delight in return for a gift.
On the other hand, a man who loves his girlfriend genuinely doesn’t care about his own feelings. He simply wants to give. The loving man may also feel delighted, but his act of giving is not motivated by a desire for feeling good himself, but for the sake of giving alone.
Obsession controls, love lets go
An obsessed person is insecure and his/her actions are dominated by fear. As a result she/he’s always trying to control behaviours and emotions of the one she/he loves. She/he wants to know where you are going, what you’re doing/thinking/dreaming. She/he may also dictate how you should dress, what you ought to eat, how you should part your hair, what career you should opt for, and so on. The key word here is “dictate.” The one who loves may only suggest what she/he thinks is in your best interests, whereas the obsessed will only insist. The loving individual respects you and your choice, but the one who is obsessed doesn’t trust you.
Love, don’t fixate
True fulfilment can only be possible in true love. Obsession is a self-defeating phenomenon. It is a no-win trap that only causes harm. Therefore, obsession should be replaced with love. The trouble is that it is often difficult to draw the line between love and obsession. Thankfully, there is a simple test to figure out the difference.
When confused, ask yourself what is your deepest thought. If it’s selfless, it is love. Ironically, you can’t love someone truly unless you love yourself. Can you give away what you don’t have?
Loving yourself should not be confused with narcissism, which is like being obsessed with oneself, and just as harmful. Loving oneself is about being secure in the knowledge that you are worthy and have an important role to play in this world, and so do others. Those who love themselves genuinely have no desire to control anyone, because they are in control of themselves.
Yes, loving the self and others is not easy. It requires hard work and practice. But, the result is worth the endeavour.
Intimacy: The power of two
Getting under the sheets with your partner is not enough. You need to expand your physical bonding with intimacy.
By: ABHA Iyengar | March 8, 2007 | Topics: Sex & Intimacy| Filed under: Articles |
Couples most often go to bed with each other to satisfy a purely physical need. This may leave a bad after-taste – more so, when they find that they have nothing in common beyond the bedroom. Sex without intimacy is like pasta without sauce.
When a person enters someone else’s personal space, for the purpose of being intimate, it is physical intimacy, regardless of the actual form of contact. By being close to, or near a partner, and touching them we experience physical intimacy. By holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and sexual activity, we express our need and desire for physical intimacy. Very often, the attraction is on a purely physical plane.
In today’s world, we do not often allow our relationships to develop beyond the physical. In this we are the big losers. What to do? Increase our physical pleasure, and develop intimacy in other areas too.
Satisfy each other’s needs. The act of being intimate requires us to make our partner happy and satisfied, without being selfish to oneself.
Be open. To develop the kind of intimacy which is not purely for “self-gratification,” and binds us to our partner, in more ways than one, truly gives us a sense of stability and wellbeing. Besides, we need to be more open and receiving. We have to be also willing to listen and accept. When we show tenderness and consideration, our closeness grows.
Reduce barriers. We often build barriers around ourselves, because we do not want to expose our deepest feelings and wants easily. Intimacy requires that we express our desires and explore our relationship in more ways than one. This helps deepen our relationship.
Allow time. Initial attraction is the spark that leads to a desire for physical closeness, and the expression to be close to each other. For physical intimacy to lead to intimacy of a deeper kind, we have to give it time. In today’s world, we look for quick-fixes and solutions and/or a roller-coaster ride where we often move from one relationship to another in search for the ultimate experience. We do not sometimes give are relationship enough time to develop into an emotionally and mentally satisfying bonding. This is wrong.
We are also sometimes scared to enter into deep, or strong, relationship, because we feel that this will increase our vulnerability. So, we skim over the surface, and wonder at the emptiness pervading our life. Agreed, that, for any kind of relationship to develop between two people, there is a strong need for physical pull and the pleasure of physical union. However, to go beyond this, and reach higher levels of pleasure and intimacy, your relationship has to evolve slowly and strongly.
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发表于 2013-2-15 01:03:46
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