Today had been like a bad dream. Am I really alive? I ought to be dead. I ought to be lying at the bottom of the River Sine. A few hours ago. I looked over the cold stone side of a bridge. And I was ready to jump.

But someone stopped me. Who was it? I must try to remember everything that has happened.

It has been raining all day. Thats certain. This morning I put on my blue silk dress, since I wanted to look beautiful. But it soon got terribly wet. And everyone seemed to stare at me. The women of Paris dont wear proper dresses now; they wear an open shirt, with a skirt below. So I looked different.

A lot of people were standing outside Madame Talliens house. They were staring at the bright lights in the windows. Some of them were whispering angrily. Im not surprised. The poor people cant get enough to eat, but the leaders of the revolution live like kings.

I opened the gate and went in. then a servant stopped me at the door. He wore a red uniform with silver buttons. The noble families used to dress their servants like this. Now our leaders are copying them. Of course, Tallien himself used to be a servant.

"What do you want, young lady?" said this fellow with the silver buttons. "Did Madame Tallien invite you?"

I shook my head. "No. I thought that anyone could come there."

"You thought that, did you?" he answered rudely. "No uninvited lady can come here, unless a gentleman is with her. Those are Madame Talliens orders." And he pushed me out into the street.

Other people arrived in carriages, and went into the house. I stood outside the gate. I was wet and cold. I thought: "I must ask a man to take me. If I dont I shall never get in."

Then a carriage brought a very tall man. He wore an army officers clock, like Napoleons. I walked straight up to him.

"Pleasde excuse me, Monsieur," I said. "I should like to go with you into the house. The servant wont allow me to pass unless I go with a gentleman."

The officer stared at me in surprise. At first he shook his head. He didnt seem to like the idea. Then he suddenly offered me his arm and said:

"Come on, mademoiselle!"

The servant recognized me at once. He looked angry. But he bowed deeply to my officer, and took his clock.

I saw myself in a mirror. Wet hair was hanging over my face. I tried to push it quickly into place, but my officer was waiting.

"Are you ready, mademoiselle? Behave yourself properly in there. If you dont , I shall be ashamed. What is your name?"

"Desirre," I whispered. I didnt want anyone to heat my other name.

"Desirre who?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Please, please, only Desirre."

The servant opened a pair of big white doors. My officer gave our names to another servant. And this man called out in a loud voice:

"general Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte and mademoiselle Desirre!"

A young woman with dark hair came towards us. "This is a wonderful surprise, dear general," she said.

"You are too kind, Madame Tallien," my officer replied.

I bowed politely, but she didnt seem to notice me. "Come into the library, general," she went on. "Barras will be very glad to see you." And she led away.

I stood in a corner and looked around the big room. I couldnt see Napoleon. There were a few officers in uniform. The rest of the men wore beautiful clothes, like noblemen before the revolution.

The ladies were gaily dressed, but their clothes didnt cover them properly. Even their shoes had no tops, and showed their pink feet. And their toenails were painted with pink or silver paint. I thought: "I must look like a country girl in this long dress and these heavy shoes."

Servants in red uniforms were offering drinks to everyone. I took a glass of champagne, but I was too excited to enjoy it.

Two gentlemen were talking near me. One of them said: "the people of Paris are getting angry at the price of food. If is gets worse, therell be another revolution."

"My dear Fouche," the other man replied. "there is only one answer to that problem. The government must tell its soldiers to shoot. Ive just seen general Bernadotte here. The War Minister could talk to him about it."

"Bernadotte?" said Fouche. "He would never shoot at the people. But perhaps Josephines new friend would do it."

At that moment, a servant called: "silence, please, ladies and gentlemen." Then Madame Talliens voice said: "Please come into the library, everybody. We have a surprise for you."

I followed the other guests. The library was so full of people that at first I could see nothing. Servants brought a fresh glass of champagne to each other. A big ugly man pushed past me, and his coat was covered with gold. Someone whispered: "Barras is getting fat!" So that was Barras, Josephines special friend.

Everyone was talking excitedly. The servant asked for silence again, and Madame Tallien said:

"Form a circle round the sofa, please."

Then at last I saw Napoleon. Where? On the little sofa. With a beautiful fair-haired woman in a pink silk dress.

The torn trousers had gone. He was wearing a new uniform, and he was looking white and ill. I knew at once who the fair-haired woman was. She was Josephine. Her eyes were half shut, but they were looking straight at Barras. And there was a strange smile on her lips.

Napoleon himself was sitting up straight, on the edge of the sofa. He wasnt looking at Josephine. He was watching Madame Tallien.

"Has everyone a glass?" Madame Tallien asked. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have something important to tell you."

Napoleon stood up. His face had gone red. Madame Tallien was looking at Barras. The great man made a sign with his hand, and she went on:

"Our dear Josephine had decided to marry again. She is going to marry one of Frances bravest officers --- general Napoleon Bonaparte."

"No!" a womans voice screamed.

The wild cry filled the room. A terrible silence followed. Suddenly I recognized the voice ---- it was my own. And everyone was staring at me.

I took two steps forward and looked into Napoleons eyes. They were like glass. They didnt seem to see me.

Then I looked at the woman. I saw the silver paint round her eyes, and the red paint on her lips. I hated her. I threw my glass at her feet, and the wine went over her dress. She screamed with fear.

A moment later I was running down a dark wet street. I dont know how I escaped from that house. Perhaps the servants were too surprised to stop me. I ran and ran till I reached a river.

"the Seine," I thought. "Good! Here is the Seine."

I walked slowly on to the bridge and looked over the side. Thousands of lights were dancing on the water. How gay it looked! And how lonely I felt!

Then I thought: "tonight Napoleon will write to Marseilles. Hell tell his mother and Joseph that hes going to marry this woman."

The thought was too cruel. I started to climb up the side of the bridge. But a strong hand held my shoulder, and it pulled me back.