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沙发
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发表于 2012-8-20 00:53:31
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7) 評(唐)李涉“登山”2 種英譯
終日昏昏醉夢間﹐忽聞春盡強登山。因過竹院逢僧話﹐又得浮生半日閑。
Climbing a Mountain
All day I feel lost as drunk or in a dream 是醉夢間﹐不是“或”
Then I hear spring is over and force myself to climb 不是“強迫”﹐是“勉強”
Passing a bamboo courtyard I meet a monk and talk
And spend another afternoon beyond this floating life “閑”字漏譯。半日未必是下午。BEYOND何意﹖
(Bill Porter)丙等
Mountain-Climbing
All the day long living in dream or drunk in wine, 是醉夢間﹐不是“或”
I force myself to mount when end the spring days fine. 不是“強迫”﹐是“勉強”
Passing by the temple I talk with monks with pleasure, 是“竹院﹖”﹐不是廟
Again I pass half a day of my life in leisure.
(translator unknown) 丙等
本人譯文﹕
Clamber the Mountain
I'm drowsy between drunk and dream for all day long;
Manage to climb the mountain, hearing spring is gone. MANAGE才是正確的詞
As passing bamboo yard, I meet and talk to a monk,
And get in floating life another half-day's leisure.
8) 評(唐)張繼“楓橋夜泊”7 種英譯﹕
月落烏啼霜滿天﹐江楓漁火對愁眠。姑蘇城外寒山寺﹐夜半鐘聲到客船。
Anchored Overnight at Maple Bridge
Crows caw the moon set frost fills the sky 中間應該用逗號
River maples fishing fires care-plagued sleep 中間應該用逗號。FIRE指燈火不妥
Coming from Cold Mountain Temple outside the Suzhou wall--WALL多餘
The sound of the midnight bell reaches a traveler's boat 整首詩不夠簡潔
(Bill Porter) 乙
Moored for the Night by the Maple Bridge
The moon is down, ravens caw, a frostiness fills the sky;
By the riverside maples and fishing lights, sad, insomnious I lie. 原文沒失眠之意
Beyond the walls of Gusu City, where Hanshan Monastery stands,
Bong, goes the bell at midnight to touch the boat of the passer-by. 整首詩不簡潔
(黃宏發) 乙-
題缺
The crows crying, the moon lost in the frost-sky, 何來LOST之意
Asleep I feel sad with the maples in fishing light. 不確切
Outside Gusu the Cold-Hill Temple stands upright,--UPRIGHT多餘
Her bell tone reaching my boat at mid-night.
(朱曼華)丙等
A Night Mooring by the Maple Bridge
The moon drooped low and crows cawed in the frosty sky,
Staring at riverside maple trees and lights on fishing boats is my melancholy sleeplessness. 太長。原文無失眠之意
From the Cold Mountain Temple in the Suzhou environs
Came the midnight toll all the way to visitors' boats telling time. 不簡潔。不是喪鐘﹐telling time多餘
(南緯28°) 丙等
A NIGHT-MOORING NEAR MAPLE BRIDGE
While I watch the moon go down, a crow caws through the frost; 不確切
Under the shadows of maple-trees a fisherman moves with his torch; 錯譯
And I hear, from beyond Suzhou, from the temple on Cold Mountain, 不簡潔
Ringing for me, here in my boat, the midnight bell. 鐘非為我敲
(translator unknown) 丙-
Maple Bridge Night Mooring不能用中文詞序
Moon set, a crow caws, frost fills the sky,--SET缺S
River, maple, fishing-fires cross my troubled sleep. 不能這麼譯的
Beyond the walls of Su-chou from cold Mountain temple,
The midnight bell sounds reach my boat.
(Gary Snyder) 丙等
MOORING BY MAPLE BRIDGE AT NIGHT
At moonset cry the crows, streaking the frosty sky;
Dimly lit fishing boats 'neath maples sadly lie. 不是船LIE
Beyond the city walls, from Temple of Cold Hill 漏譯姑蘇
Bells break the ship-borne roamer's dream and midnight still. 不確切
(translator unknown)丙等
本人譯文﹕
Anchoring by Maple Bridge at Night
The moon sets, crows caw and frost all over the sky;
With riverside maples, fishermen's lamps, I sleep in woe.
From Cold Mountain Temple outside City Gusu,
Comes the midnight bell to the traveler's boat.
9) 評(宋)王安石“梅花”3 種英譯
牆角數枝梅﹐凌寒獨自開。遙知不是雪﹐為有暗香來。
Plum Blossoms
There are a few plum trees in the corner of garden; 不一定是園牆角
They bloom alone in the struggle against severe cold. 原文沒STRUGGLE之意
You know from far they're white blossoms instead of snow 不確切
Because of their faint fragrance flowing through the air. 太不簡潔
(曾沖明)丙等
Plum Blossoms
A few plum twigs at the corner of the wall 用TWIGS不妥
Blossoming all alone, defying the cold!
Even from afar they cannot be mistaken for snow,
For a delicate fragrance comes wafting with the breeze. 原文沒提風
(文殊、王晉熙、鄧炎昌) 丙+
MUME BLOSSOMS----MUME?
At the wall corner mume trees grow;
Against the cold they bloom apart.--APART用得不確
How could we know they are not snow?原文不是問句
For fragrance unseen they impart.唯一可取是簡潔
(translator unknown)丙+
本人譯文﹕
Plum Blossoms
At a wall corner some plum trees grow;
Alone against cold their blossoms blow.
Aloof one knows they aren't the snow,
As faint through air soft fragrances flow.
10) 評(唐)王昌齡“閨怨”7 種英譯
閨中少婦不知愁， 春日凝妝上翠樓。 忽見陌頭楊柳色， 悔教夫婿覓封侯。
IN HER QUIET WINDOW 不確切
Too young to have learned what sorrow means, 不確切
Attired for spring, she climbs to her high chamber.
The new green of the street-willows is wounding her heart 亂譯
Just for a title she sent him to war. 不確切
(translator unknown)丁+
SORROW OF A YOUNG 不確切
Nothing in her boudoir brings sorrow to the bride;表達不妥
She mounts the tower, gaily dressed, on a spring day.
Suddenly seeing the willows green by the roadside,
How she regrets her lord seeking fame far away!是覓封侯﹐不僅是名望
(translator unknown)丙等
Remorse in a Boudoir
The young noble lady never knows any sorrows;--NOBLE多餘
Gaily dressed in spring, she looks through windows. 後半錯譯
She suddenly regrets goading her man to hunt fame
When she catches sight of green wayside willows. 行序顛倒了
(來自“唐詩宋詞英譯”)丙等
Bedchamber Regret
There was a young woman in her bedchamber who had not a thing to worry, 太不簡潔
On a spring day she dressed up to visit a fine edifice. 是登樓
A sudden glance of fresh willowy banks on the wayside 不簡潔
Made her regret ever urging her husband to pursue high office. 不確切
(南緯28°)丙等
Regret 漏譯閨字
A lady fair that nothing knows of care 顛倒不妥
In bright array
On a springtime day 不能如此分行
Mounts to the tower of her leaf-emerald bower. 後半多餘
Sudden she sees the wayside willow trees 該用SUDDENLY
In light hues clad:
And her heart is sad, 這兩行多餘
She bade her lord win glory of the sword. 不確切
(John Turner )丁等
In the Spring 題錯譯
Within the peaceful chamber, no care the maid oppressed; 不簡潔
Until the verdant Tower she climbed one springtide, gaily dressed. 不需UNTIL
The stir of sprouting foliage beyond the street she saw. 前半錯譯
Regret she'd sent her love to fame rose swelling in her breast. 後半不知所云
(W. Fletcher)丁等
Sorrow of a Young Bride in Her Boudoir不簡潔
Nothing in her boudoir bring sorrow to the bride, 不確切, 該用BRINGS
She mounts the tower, gaily dressed on a spring day,
Suddenly seeing the green willow by the roadside,
She signs for her husband seeking fame far away. 是SIGH吧。覓封侯呢﹖
(許淵沖)丙等
本人譯文﹕
Remorse in Boudoir
The young wife in her chamber who knows no sorrow,
Mounts emerald tower, dressed fully on a spring day.
All at once she sees the green of roadside willow,
Regrets letting her man seek marquisate far away.
11) 評(唐)王翰“涼州詞”6 種英譯
葡萄美酒夜光杯， 欲飲琵琶馬上催。 醉臥沙場君莫笑， 古來征戰幾人回。
A SONG OF LIANGZHOU
They sing, they drain their cups of jade, 亂譯
They strum on horseback their guitars. 亂譯
Why laugh when they fall asleep drunk on the sand ? 是沙場﹐不是在沙上。不是問句
How many soldiers ever come home? 不確切
(translator unknown)丁等
STARTING FOR THE FRONT 錯譯
With wine of grapes the cups of jades would glow at night;夜光杯是一個名詞。錯譯
Drinking to pipa songs, we are summoned to fight.原文沒有SONG。錯譯。
Don't laugh if we lay drunken on the battleground!君字漏譯
How many warriors ever came back safe and sound?古來漏譯
(translator unknown)丁等
Song of Liangzhou
A grape wine so fine, a cup that gleams at night;後半錯譯
To drink on I'd love, but for the call to fight. [Let's drink and be merry! Guitars on horseback invite.(revised 7.2.11)] [To drink and be merry, the pipas on horseback invite. (revised 8.2.11)]都譯得非常不確切
Jeer not, oh sneer not, if in battle drunken I lie; [Jeer not, oh sneer not, if in battle drunk I lie;(revised 4.2.11)] [Cheer not, oh jeer not, if in battle drunk I lie; (revised 8.2.11)]不是IN BATTLE。這是低級錯誤。
How many, we soldiers, ever came home all right?漏譯古來
(黃宏發)丁等
A REASON FAIR 亂譯
'Tis night: the grape-juice mantles high in cups of gold galore; 亂譯
We set to drink,-- but now the bugle sounds to horse once more.是馬上催﹐不是催上馬。
Oh, marvel not if drunken we lie strewed about the plain;不確切
How few of all who seek the fight shall e'er come bank again!不確切。整首不簡潔
(Herbert A. Giles)丁等
Liangzhou Verses
Fine red wine glitters in a jade chalice that glows in the night, 後半錯譯
Before I could drink it come lyre notes giving orders to mount the horse. 是馬上催﹐不是催上馬。錯譯
Laugh not, I pray you, at my tipsiness that may see me fall drunk on the battlefield, 太嚕囌
For how many have been able to return in the history of war? 不確切
(南緯28°)丙-
題缺
Wine of the grape from the cups that glow in the night 後半錯譯
We long to drink but the pipa urgently summons. 後半錯譯
If we lie drunk on the battlefield, don't mock us friend:
Since the old days, how many fighters ever got back? 不夠簡潔
(高農﹑張仲良)丙等
本人譯文﹕
A Verse Of Liangzhou
The delicious grape wine in gleaming Night-Hue Cups;
About to drink, the lute played to urge by players on horses.
Don't you laugh, if drunken we lie down on the battlefields,
For since old time how few return alive from wars!
12) 評(唐)李白“黃鶴樓送孟浩然之廣陵”5 種英譯
故人西辭黃鶴樓， 煙花三月下揚州。 孤帆遠影碧空盡， 惟見長江天際流。
A FAREWELL TO MENG HAORAN ON HIS WAY TO YANGZHOU 不確切
You have left me behind, old friend, at the Yellow Crane Terrace, 不確切
On your way to visit Yangzhou in the misty month of flowers; 是在三月
Your sail, a single shadow, becomes one with the blue sky, 盡字沒譯出來
Till now I see only the river, on its way to heaven. 是長江。流字漏譯
(translator unknown)丁等
SEEING MENG HAORAN OFF AT YELLOW CRANE TOWER 漏譯“之廣陵”
My friend had left the west where the Yollow Crane towers,錯譯
For River Town green with willows and red with flowers.亂譯
His lessening sail is lost in the boundless blue sky,不夠確切
Where I see but the endless River rolling by.亂譯
(許淵沖)丁等
At the Yellow Crane Tower to Bid Meng Haoran Bon Voyage to Guangling
At the Yellow Crane Tower, my friend, to the west you said goodbye; 後半錯譯
In this misty, flowery glorious spring, downstream for Yangzhou you ply. 是三月
A speck, a silhouette, your solitary sail, toward the verdant hills receding, till 亂譯。
My eyes but descry the grand Long River, rolling to the verge of the sky. 亂譯
(黃宏發)丁等
Seeing Meng Haoran Off from Yellow Crane Tower 漏譯“之廣陵”
At Yellow Crane Tower in the west
My old friend says farewell;應該是一行
In the mist and flowers of spring是三月
He goes down to Yangzhou;
Lonely sail, distant shadow,
Vanish in blue emptiness;不確切
All I see is the great river是長江
Flowing into the far horizon.
（來自中國文學出版社所編資料）丙等
A Farewell Song to Meng Haoran at Yellow Crane Tower漏譯“之廣陵”
From west Crane Tower my friend is on his way 不確切
Down to Yangzhou in misty, flowery May. 是三月
A sail's faint figure dots the blue sky's end不確切
Where seen but River rolling till its bend.不確切
（王大濂 譯）丙-
本人譯文﹕
See Meng Haoran off to Guangling in Yellow Crane Tower
To Yellow Crane Tower in west my friend now says goodbye,
And heading down for Yangzhou in misty and flowery March.
The distant shadow of a lonely sail's melting into the end of blue sky,
Seen only the Yangtze River flowing under horizontal arch.
13) 評王昌齡“出塞”3 種英譯
秦時明月漢時關， 萬里長征人未還。 但使龍城飛將在， 不教胡馬渡陰山。
OVER THE BORDER
The moon goes back to the time of Qin, the wall to the time of Han, 不確切。見下面分析
And the road our troops are traveling goes back three hundred miles 錯譯
Oh, for the Winged General at the Dragon City -- 不確切
That never a Tartar horseman might cross the Yin Mountains! 不很確切
(梧桐鳳舞)丙-
Out of a Frontier Fortress 不確切
The same moon and the same pass as in Han and Qin, 見下面分析
Yet fighters from afar have not chalked up a win.不確切
Would that the Winged General Li were now still 翻譯裡不能這樣分行
Living, to drive Hun horsemen off Mountain Yin!不確切
(陳君朴)丙-
Over the Border
The same moon of ancient Qin also shined on the same fort of historic Han, 不確切。見下面分析
Hardly any made a return from thousand-league marching expedition.
If only the Winged General of Han were around to fight the township of Basilisk, 不簡潔
The barbarians and their horses would never have dared to cross the Mountains of Yin. 不簡潔
(南緯28°)丙+
本人譯文﹕
Across the Pass
Under the moon of Qin or at the pass of Han,
Those, fighting myriad miles away, not return yet.
The "flying" general of Dragon City, if still here,
Wouldn't let Tartar cavalry cross Mt. Yin.
說明﹕秦時的明月與漢時的關之間應該沒什麼直接關係﹐它們都與下句有關。說明在不同時代不同情況下﹐都有人萬里長征而未還。第三句可以譯成﹕If the flying general of Dragon City were still here, He wouldn't let ... 但現在譯文更簡潔。雖然省掉了were﹐沒人會誤解這不是虛擬句。要譯得比這個更簡潔恐怕不可能了。所以翻譯只要達意即可﹐決不必拘泥於一般語法規則。詩有自己的規律。
14) 評王之渙“出塞”2 種英譯
黃河遠上白雲間， 一片孤城萬仞山。 羌笛何須怨楊柳， 春風不度玉門關。
BEYOND THE BORDER
Where a yellow river climbs to the white clouds, 不確切
Near the one city-wall among ten-thousand-foot mountains, 不確切
A Tartar under the willows is lamenting on his flute 錯譯
That spring never blows to him through the Jade Pass----TO HIM 多餘
(translator unknown)丙-
Over the Border
The Yellow River into the clouds winds and undulates, 不確切
One lone township lies among towering mountain ranges.
Why play the lamenting Willow Ballad on your Jiang flutes,
When you know the Gate of Jade spring and barrenness separates. 不確切
(南緯28°)丙+
本人譯文﹕
Across the Pass
The Yellow River looks far up in white clouds,
The single town among hills myriad feet high.
Tartar flute mustn't play plaintive tune of "Willow Snapping",
Since the spring wind never crossing the Jade Gate Pass.
總結﹕本人收集評論了許多中外人士翻譯的古人詩﹐也看到過許多譯詩﹐雖然沒有全部收集評論。本人只能對這些譯詩得出如下結論﹕按簡潔確切達意原則看﹐基本沒有能達到這個標準的譯詩。還沒有談及節奏感問題。要把古人詩詞英譯好﹐得有兩個條件﹕對古人詩詞須有深切造詣﹔對英文寫譯要有較高水平。現在看到的譯詩至少反映出﹕要麼對古人詩的理解不透﹐要麼英文寫譯水平不夠﹐才會出這樣那樣的問題。有的簡直按自己的意思亂譯﹐與原文意思大相徑庭。像這樣譯詩﹐豈非褻瀆古人﹐誤導後學。自上一代教授學者謝世之後﹐中國這方面人才已經青黃不接﹐人才斷代。這一代的教授學者都去做什麼了﹖不好好進修﹐提高水平。現在可見的水平只是一般性基礎性的。而網上所見﹐屬於熱鬧性玩耍性的。就是書面出版物也是功利性吹捧性的。沒有了嚴肅性上進性。是不可嘆孰可嘆歟。如果對此有不同見解﹐請勿只說些攻擊性的空話廢話。請拿出高水平的作品﹐無論詩詞古文寫作翻譯﹐英語詩文寫作翻譯﹐以改變本人對目前普遍低水平的印象。
下面是古文英譯評析﹕
1) 評范仲淹“岳陽樓記”5 種英譯﹕
(譯詩已經評論了好幾次。現在收集幾篇古文翻譯來分析評論。詩與文章寫法不一樣﹐翻譯當然也不一樣。老實說﹐翻譯古文比翻譯詩詞難多了﹐假定兩者都無語言障礙﹐即都在譯者可理解的範圍內﹐因而譯文的好壞就只反映譯者的英文表達水平。翻譯原則當然仍是要求簡潔確切達意。還要注意語氣的銜接﹐閱讀時的節奏感。)
慶歷四年春，滕子京謫守巴陵郡。越明年，政通人和，百廢俱興。乃重修岳陽樓，增其舊制，刻唐賢、今人詩賦于其上，屬予作文以記之。
予觀夫巴陵胜狀，在洞庭一湖。銜遠山，吞長江，浩浩湯湯，橫無際涯；朝暉夕陰，氣象萬千；此則岳陽樓之大觀也。前人之述備矣。然則北通巫峽，南極瀟湘，遷客騷人，多會於此；覽物之情，得無異乎？
若夫霪雨霏霏，連月不開；陰風怒號，濁浪排空；日星隱耀，山岳潛形；商旅不行，檣傾楫摧；薄暮冥冥，虎嘯猿啼；登斯樓也，則有去國怀鄉，憂讒畏譏，滿目蕭然，感極而悲者矣。
至若春和景明，波瀾不驚，上下天光，一碧萬頃，沙鷗翔集，錦鱗游泳，岸芷汀蘭，鬱鬱青青。而或長煙一空，皓月千里，浮光躍金，靜影沉璧，漁歌互答，此樂何極！登斯樓也，則有心曠神怡，寵辱皆忘，把酒臨風，其喜洋洋者矣。
嗟夫！予嘗求古仁人之心，或異二者之為。何哉？不以物喜，不以己悲。居廟堂之高，則憂其民；處江湖之遠，則憂其君。是進亦憂，退亦憂；然則何時而樂耶？其必曰：先天下之憂而憂，后天下之樂而樂歟！噫！微斯人，吾誰與歸！時六年九月十五日。
Yueyang Pavilion “記”字漏譯
In the spring of the fourth year of the reign of Qingli, Teng Zijing was banished from the capital to be governor of Baling Prefecture. After he had governed the district for a year, the administration became efficient, the people became united, and all things that had fallen into disrepair were given a new lease on life. Then he restored Yueyang Pavilion, adding new splendor to the original structure and having inscribed on it poems by famous men of the Tang Dynasty as well as the present time. And he asked me to write an essay to commemorate this.
慶歷如作年號處理﹐前面不用reign一詞﹐如指皇帝﹐須用Emperor Qingli。翻譯要中規中矩﹐不能處理不當。滕不是流放﹐不能用BANISH一詞﹐用詞錯誤﹐須用DEMOTE。Prefecture的長官應該是Prefect。越明年﹐說NEXT YEAR就行﹐不必這麼長的句子。不能簡潔表達﹐說明水平問題。政通者﹐政事上下溝通無阻礙。人和者﹐人們之間和睦相處沒矛盾。此處翻譯未確切。“記”字指“記敘”﹐不是“記念”。最後三詞多餘的。
Now I have found that the finest sights of Baling are concentrated in the region of Lake Dongting. Dongting, nibbling at the distant hills and gulping down the Yangtze River, strikes all beholders as vast and infinite, presenting a scene of boundless variety; and this is the superb view from Yueyang Pavilion. All this has been described in full by writers of earlier ages. However, since the lake is linked with Wu Gorge in the north and extends to the Xiao and Xiang rivers in the south, many exiles and wandering poets gather here and their reactions to these sights vary greatly.
第二個洞庭無必要重複。銜遠山以下四句﹐語氣應該承上而來﹐中間不該斷句。凡英譯中斷句者﹐皆未得古文之精要。nibbling不是銜之意。strikes後太嚕囌。“朝暉夕陰，气象萬千”漏譯。遷客不是流放者。用詞不當。最後句原文語氣沒譯出來。
During a period of incessant rain, when a spell of bad weather continues for more than a month, when louring winds bellow angrily, tumultuous waves hurl themselves against the sky, sun and stars hide their light, hills and mountains disappear, merchants have to halt in the travels, masts collapse and oars splinter, the day darkens and the roars of tigers and howls of monkeys are heard, if men come to this pavilion with a longing for home in their hearts or nursing a feeling of bitterness because of taunts and slander, they may find the sight depressing and fall prey to agitation or despair.
結構安排尚可﹐唯沒與原文對應。又不夠簡潔。if men come to 沒有“登斯樓也”的語氣。且come to不是登之意。感極而悲者矣﹐沒譯確切。
But during mild and bright spring weather, then the waves are unruffled and the azure translucence above and below stretches before your eyes for myriads of li, when the water-birds fly down to congregate on the sands and fish with scales like glimmering silk disport themselves in the water, when the iris and orchids on the banks grow luxuriant and green; or when dusk falls over this vast expanse and bright moon casts its light a thousand li, when the rolling waves glitter like gold and silent shadows in the water glimmer like jade, and the fishermen sing to each other for sheer joy, then men coming up to this pavilion may feel complete freedom of heart and ease of spirit, forgetting every worldly gain or setback, to hold their winecups in the breeze in absolute elation, delighted with life.
四字句譯法﹐在英文中用平行句才好。四字句沒譯確切。如before your eyes多餘。在DURING引導的短語後面﹐不需要用THEN一詞。長煙一空漏譯。靜影指水裡月影。沒譯出來。這裡的靜﹐不是SILENT﹐沒有聲音。是靜止不動之意。用詞不當。此樂何極﹐沒譯好。最後句語氣沒譯好。
But again when I consider the men of old who possessed true humanity, they seem to have responded quite differently. The reason, perhaps, may be this: natural beauty was not enough to make them happy, nor their own situation enough to make them sad. When such men are high in the government or at court, their first concern is for the people; when they retire to distant streams and lakes, their first concern is for their sovereign. Thus they worry both when in office and when in retirement. When, then, can they enjoy themselves in life? No doubt they are concerned before anyone else and enjoy themselves only after everyone else finds enjoyment. Surely these are the men in whose footsteps I should follow!
原文沒有AGAIN之意。“何哉？不以物喜，不以己悲。”翻譯不確切。in the government or at court重複了。in life多餘。文尾漏譯。總之﹕翻譯太平淡﹐沒有氣勢。不夠簡潔確切。以兩譯者之水平﹐不應如此。只能實事求是評之。
（楊憲益、戴乃迭）
Yueyang Pavilion“記”字漏譯
In the spring of the fourth year of the Qingli period, Teng Zijing was relegated to the position of the prefect of Baling. The following year witnessed a great change there in terms of the smooth conduct of government and the harmonious human relations as well as the resumption of a great many neglected undertakings. Thus Yueyang Pavilion was rebuilt on a scale larger than before and was graced with the inscriptions of the poems and rhythmic prose of the Tang and contemporary celebrities. I was requested to write something to mark the event.
意思還可以﹐但與原文不對應﹐失去原文氣勢。是重修﹐不是重造。措辭不當。“增其舊制”沒譯好。something用得很不好。
In my view, the grandeur of Baling lies only in Lake Dongting, which looks as if it were holding in its mouth the distant mountains and gulping down the Yangtse River. Boundless and marvellous, it presents in the morning sunshine and the evening twilight a most gorgeous spectacle. This is the general view from the pavilion, already described in full by our predecessors. However, since the lake connects with the Wu Gorge in the north and ends at the Xiao and Xiang rivers in the south, many demoted or banished officials and literati often gather here. Can there be no shades of difference in their feelings when admiring the scenery?
“浩浩湯湯，橫無際涯”漏譯。下兩句譯得不確切。banished多餘。
If the continuous drizzle does not let up for several months on end, one can hear the bleak wind howling and see the turbid waves surging to the sky. The brilliance of the sun and the stars are eclipsed and the shapes of the mountains and hills become obscured. The merchants and travellers are stopped on their way, staying in boats with declined masts and broken oars, while the light being so dim at dusk, one can fancy tigers' roars and monkeys' gibbers. So the ascent to the pavilion is associated with the nostalgia in exile and the fear of slanders and taunts. Confronted with such disconsolate scenes, one is apt to be moved to the extreme and feel much saddened.
霪雨比drizzle大。原文沒說staying in boats。原文沒說one can fancy。exile用錯。
As for the days when spring weather is mile and sunny, nature is lit with a bright smile, and the waves being halcyon, the sky and the lake are tinged with the same hue, making up an infinitely huge canvas of light blue, on which white gulls are hovering in bevies and fish shimmering with silvery scales. And the lake shores adorned with irises and sandbars dotted with orchids are all enshrouded in a sweet and lush green. Sometimes the broad firmament is clear of all mist, a bright moon shines over the vast lake gleaming with a golden glow, and the moon's reflection in the watery mirror reminds one of a sunken jade. And then the fishermen's songs are heard to be echoing one another. What an unbounded joy! In such a case, ascent to the pavilion gives one a broadened mind and eased heart, with credit and discredit both forgotten. Holding a winecup in the wind, one is overflowing with happiness.
第一長句意思可以﹐不夠確切。mile應該是mild之誤吧。第二句自由發揮太多。第三句太嚕囌。原文一氣呵成之處﹐譯文也須一氣呵成﹐中間不能斷句。
Oh, I have tried to probe the souls of the noble ancients. Their feelings might differ from the above two. Why? Because they were not glad of things adventitious, or sad for the sake of themselves. Positioned high at court, they worried about the people. Banished to remote regions, they worried about their sovereigns. Thus they were carefree in neither case. Then, at what time would they feel happy? They were sure to say: "Worry before all others have worried, rejoice after all others have rejoiced." Who should I emulate, if not people of this type?
原文首兩句是一句。譯文不能分兩句﹐方能顯出過渡連接水平。原文是兩者之為﹐不是兩者之感。所以用feelings不確切。不能用Banished一詞。Thus句失去氣勢。emulate一詞不確切。總之﹕簡潔確切達意都有差距。沒有譯出原文氣勢。
（謝百魁）
The Story of Yoyang Tower 不是Story﹐是“記”
In the spring of the 4th year of Chi'in_Li, T'eng Tzu Ching was banished from the court by being made Governor of Pa Ling prefecture. After one year order and peace was re-established and everything that had fallen into negligence was reinstalled. Then work was started to have the Yoyang Tower rebuilt and enlarged; and after poems of the worthies of the T’ang period and of our own contemporaries were engraved upon it, I was requested to write the story.
banished用錯。prefecture的長官是prefect。越明年﹐ 不是一年後。“政通人和”沒譯好。重修不是rebuilt。最後句譯得太馬虎。不是Story﹐是“記”。英文中一個寫作原則是不要頭重腳輕﹐即主語太長﹐謂語及後面成份太短。這就是為什么有先行詞IT等的用法。
In my opinion the chief feature of Pa Ling lies in this Tung Ting Lake. Immeasurable and boundless it adjoins the distant mountains and takes in the Yangtse River; and during fine morning and cloudy evening it presents ten thousand changes in its appearance. This is the grand view of the Yoyang Tower, of which former writers have left nothing unsaid. So north from the WU Gorges and south to the sources of the Hsiao Hsiang rivers most exiles and poets gather here; and how can they help being impressed with the changing views before their eyes?
“銜遠山----橫無際涯”譯得沒氣勢。“北通巫峽，南極瀟湘”說的是洞庭湖。但從翻譯看﹐似乎說的是遷客騷人來自這兩處。至於洞庭湖是否南接瀟湘的源頭﹐原文沒說。exiles用錯。最後兩句錯譯。非原文意思。
To illustrate, it may rain continually for months without a break, when the gloomy wind howls and the muddy waves threaten the heavens, the sun and the stars hide their faces and the mountains make no appearance, the traders halt in their journey, and sails fall and oars, break, it gets dark before the night falls, and the tigers roar and monkeys scream. If a man ascends the tower during such a season, he will feel homesick, apprehend calumny and fear criticism; and as he looks over the sad view, he will weep for extreme agitation.
To illustrate不是若夫之意。原文的四字排比句是一氣貫下的﹐英文翻譯不能中間斷句﹐但只用逗號分開句子﹐沒有適當的連接詞﹐氣勢不能貫下。當然﹐如果斷句就更不對了。agitation不是悲的意思。
But when the gentle spring returns with her congenial warmth, the scenery becomes clear and the waves are no longer frightful, the sunshine fills up the space up and down and all is blue over thousands of acres, the sand gulls fly together and the fine-scaled fish swim, the angelica on the bank and orchid on the islets are all luxuriant and blue; or when the expanse of the sky is free from clouds and the bright moon shines thousands of miles, floating lights glister like gold and the still shadows quiver like sinking precious stones, and the fishermen sing one to another with songs — there is no end to such joy! If a man ascends the tower during such seasons, he will feel his heart opened and his spirit delighted, forgetting both honour and dishonor, and when he faces the wind with wine-cup in hand his joy is overflowing.
“至若春和景明，波瀾不驚”句譯得不平衡。當原文是平衡的﹐譯文亦須平衡﹐才能達到文學性。“上下天光”譯錯。“靜影沉璧”錯譯。
Alas! I often find in ancient times men of benevolence think differently from both of these. Why is it? They neither rejoiced for external things, nor did they lament for themselves. When they were in high position at the court, they were concerned for the people; and when they retired to the remote rivers and lakes, they were concerned for the sovereign. They were concerned both while in office and out of office. Then when would they be joyous? The answer must be: "They would be concerned before the world became concerned; but they would be joyous only after the world became joyous." Alas! Whom should I follow but such men?
concerned both句意思沒表達好。WHILE多餘。concerned不是憂之意。文尾漏譯。總之﹕錯譯不少。且沒譯出原文氣勢。讀上去覺得平淡。
（潘正英）
The Yueyang Tower 漏譯“記”字
In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli (1), Teng Zijing (2) was exiled to Baling Prefecture (3) to be the prefect there. In the second year of his office, because of his excellent administration, people lived in peace and contentment, and all previous neglected matters were taken care of. The Yueyang Tower was renovated and enlarged, and inscribed on its wall were the poetry and the rhymed prose of learned men of the Tang and the present dynasty. I was invited to record this restoration effort in writing.
exiled用錯。第二句前半錯譯。“政通人和”指全國範圍﹐不專指這個地方。“增其舊制”譯得太簡單。最後句不簡潔。invited不妥。
The beauty of Baling centers round the Dongting Lake, which holds the mountain ranges in the distance and swallows the water of the Yangtze River. It is so vast and mighty that it seems boundless. Dazzling in the morning sun and fading in the gray evening mist, it affords a myriad of scenes. This is the magnificent view that the Yueyang Tower commands, of which many descriptions have been written. This beautiful scenic spot is linked with the Wu Gorge in the north and the Xiao and Xiang Rivers in the south. Exiled officials and poets often gather here. How could there be no difference in their feelings?
“予觀夫”漏譯。“前人”漏譯。Exiled錯用。原文連貫性被割斷。末句不完整。
In the rainy season, an unbroken spell of wet weather lasts for months. Chilly winds howl and turbid waves surge sky high. The sun and the stars lose their luster, and the mountain ranges are scarcely visible. Merchants and travelers have to put off their voyage, for the masts of the ships have collapsed and their oars broken. It is dark towards evening, and the roaring of tigers and the cry of monkeys can be heard. At such a time anyone ascending the tower will be filled with nostalgia for the imperial court and his home as well as fears of calumny and derision against him. Around him is a scene of desolation. Emotions well up in him so strong that he feels pain at heart.
第一句不簡潔。第二句好﹐簡潔達意。LUSTER指光澤﹐非“耀”之意。原文意思應該是“薄暮冥冥”之時﹐聽到“虎嘯猿啼”。譯文沒表達之間的關係。nostalgia句不確切。最後兩句也不確切。
In springtime it is warm and the sun is bright. The Lake is tranquil and it merges with the azure sky into a vast expanse of blue. The water-birds are playing, some fluttering in the sky, some gathering together on the sandbars. Fishes of varied hues are swimming merrily in the water. The sweet-smelling grass by the banks and the faintly scented orchids on the sandy beaches are lush and green. Sometimes, when the mist over the Lake vanishes, the glorious moon shines over the vast land, its brightness glistening with golden light on the lake. The reflection of the moon is like a piece of jade in the depths of the water. The fishermen's songs chime in with each other. How delightful they are! On ascending the Tower at such a time, one will feel spiritual uplift, caring for neither glory nor shame. With a cup of wine in the gentle breeze, he will enjoy the greatest happiness in life!
第一第二句不確切。後面兩句既不確切﹐又不簡潔。再後面同樣情況。
Ah! I have tried to study the minds of people of lofty ideals in ancient times. Perhaps they were different from the people I mentioned above. Why is this? The reason is that they were not thrown into ecstasies over their success, nor felt depressed over their failures. When they were in high positions at court, they were concerned about people. When they were in remote places, they were concerned about their emperor. They worried when they got promoted or when they were sent into exile. Then, when were they happy? They would say:"To be the first in the country to worry about the affairs of the state and the last to enjoy oneself." Alas! Who else should I seek company with save them?
lofty ideals非“仁”之意。“兩者”漏譯。reason句和worried句都不確切。exile用錯。兩個經典句子沒譯好。文尾漏譯。只有兩句比較精彩。可見質量不穩定﹐風格不統一。
（羅經國）
題缺
The spring in the fourth year of Qingli (reign title of Emperor, Renzong of the Northern Song Dynasty)， Deng Zijing was relegated to the post of Baling Prefecture's procurator. Next year, the government functioned well, the people were in their harmony lives and all neglected tasks were been undertaken. Then the Yueyang Building was renovated, increasing the original scale and carving on its wall with the poems and verses written by the Masters in the Tang Dynasty and contemporaries. I was entrusted with writing prose to record it.
篇首缺個IN。Prefecture怎會有procurator。應該用harmonious。been﹐語法錯誤。應該是being。這個錯誤太低級了。prose﹐用詞不妥。
I observed the wonderful scenery of Baling, which depends primarily on the great Tongting Lake. It looks as holding the remote mountains in mouth and swallowing the Yangtze River. It is so vast, mighty and boundless! Over the lake the sky appears bright at morning and overcast in the evening; the scenery is so spectacular and majestic as people's expected. Those are the grand sight around the Yueyang Building, which had made the descriptive complete records by the predecessors. However,the lake connects northward to the Wu Gorge and southward to the end of the Xiangjiang River; most of the demoted officers and dejected poets are gathering here. Could not their feelings caused by such scenery, be variable?
第一句主次顛倒。寫作原則之一﹕主要意思應該用主句表達。這裡斷句就斷掉了原文的貫串氣勢。looks as應該是looks like。原文無as people's expected之意﹐且's語法錯誤。which代指前面前面Building作主語是錯誤的。原文騷人前無dejected之意。不需進行時態。末句不確切。
Whenever the bad weather, the excessive rain is falling thick and fast, even lasting for the whole month. The chilly winds are howling hard and the turbid waves are rushing even up to the sky. The sun and stars lose their brilliance and the shapes of the lofty mountains are hidden. And then the business travels stop and the masts and oars of the sailing boats are collapsed. When the time is to the evening dark, tigers are roaring and apes are whistling. At that time, if people ascend to the top of this building，all kind of feeling, such as being apart from the capital, yearning for native lands, worrying to be slandered, fearing to be jealous of, and seeing everywhere almost sadly, may be touched off. Deeply moving to the extreme, sadness is inevitable.
第一句中既重複﹐又錯誤。不需進行時態。連月﹐不是whole month。When句不知所云。 feeling需用複數。譏﹐不是jealous of。
On the contrary, in the fine weather, the spring comes in bright sunshine and gentle breeze. The lake is without any terrifying rush and its color from top to bottom is as blue as the sky, as if the blue water is reaching far beyond the horizon. Sandpipers gather flying in the air and fishes play in the water. Fragrant grass and orchids growing up luxuriantly on the shore and sand-bank are blue and green. Sometimes the steam and smoke in the sky completely dissipated, and sometimes a bright moon hanging in the sky shines far away beyond almost a thousand li of distance. The floating beam of the Moon radiates a silver glittering upon the water. The quiet shadow of her mirrored in the water is similar to the sunken jasper under the water surface. The fishing songs respond with each other. How much joyful it is! At that tome, if people ascend to the top of this building，they may touch off the feelings of carefree and happy, and forget honor and disgrace, gain and lose. Facing the gentle breeze and drinking, full of joy is also inevitable.
第一句不確切。第二句太嚕囌﹐且不確切。steam用錯﹐且多餘。原文不需用Sometimes一詞。radiates----glittering? tome﹐想必是time之誤。末句不確切。
Ah! I have looked for the minds of the ancient people with lofty ideas. They were perhaps not alike both states as above mentioned. Why? They don't joy for substance and don't feel sad for themselves. When situated at the high post in the imperial court, they worried about people and when located at the corners far away the capital, they worried about the Emperor. Therefore, advance would cause them worrying and retreat would also cause them worrying. In that case, if I asked, "When they joy?" They had to say: "Worry should be before, and joy must be after those of the people." Alas! If there were not such spirited people, whom would I go together with ?
lofty ideas非“仁”之意。look for minds﹐不通。alike both states﹐錯譯。joy for substance﹐不通。away後須加from。進﹐退句英文不通。When they joy句中須加will。spirited多餘。總之﹕離開簡潔確切達意有一段距離。更不用說語勢問題。
This article was written on the 15th day of the 9th lunar month in the sixth year of Qingli (1046 A.D.)(王士杰)
本人譯文基本對應於原文
An Account of Yueyang Tower
In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli, Teng Zijing was demoted to prefect of Baling. The next year, political situation was favorable and human relationship harmonious; all projects neglected so far were resumed. Therefore, Yueyang Tower was under repair, and new designs were added to the old structure. There engraved on it were poems and essays of the sages of Tang Dynasty as well as of our contemporaries. Then I was asked to give an account of it.
I can see, well, that the beauty of Baling centers on Dongting Lake, which holds distant hills and swallows the Yangtze River, looking so huge and vast, and extending so wide and boundless（此幾句雖不簡潔﹐但構成平衡﹐並有節奏。考慮寫作的文學性）, and with the glory of the morning and the gloom of the evening, so changeable in multi-aspects, this is the grand view from Yueyang Tower. Our ancestors already had a full version of it. However, as it connects Gorge Wu in the north and Xiao-Xiang rivers in the south, demoted officials and sentimental poets often gather here. Should there be no difference in their feelings when they're watching the same scenes? (如果譯成 In their feelings when watching the same surroundings, should there be no difference? 以對應原文﹐則英文不夠通順。翻譯必須雙向考慮。)
Well, when rains galore last for months at a stretch, when dismal winds roar in fury and murky billows surge skyward, when the sun and stars conceal their light and mountains hide their contour, when merchants cease their travel and masts of ships crumble and oars broken, when dusk descends, dim and dull, with tigers growling and apes crying, there are those, ascending this tower and eyeing scenes so depressing, who will harbor strong emotions and weep for leaving the capital and being away from home, and with fear of slander and mockery. (如果對應原文﹐譯成 there are those, ascending this tower, for leaving the capital and being away from home, and with fear of slander and mockery, while eyeing scenes so depressing, who will harbor strong emotions and weep.則英文不通順。所以還得雙向考慮)
But when spring is fine, scenes beautiful, and no waves on the water, when azure in the sky above, reflected in the water below, forms a myriad acres of blue, when gulls hover and gather on sands and fishes swim with glittering scales, when zhi herb on the bank and orchid on the shoal are so flourishing and green, or when there are no smoke and clouds in the sky with the bright moon shining over thousand miles, when floating light on the water glitters with golden specks and the moon cuts its calm image in the lake like a sunken jade, when fishermen sing in response to each other, how their happiness enjoyed to the utmost, there are those, ascending this tower, who will lift the wine cup in the wind, being jocund and carefree, jovial and complacent, forgetful of all favors or disgraces.
Alas! Once I tried to understand the mind of ancient virtuous men, who might behave differently from these two kinds of people. Why? They didn't delight in worldly things, or grieve for their own sake. They would worry for people at large as high officials at court. They would worry for their sovereign though retired to the far rivers and lakes. So they always had anxieties whether as courties or retired. Then, when would they be happy? They would say, "Grieve before all people under heaven grieve; enjoy after all people under heaven enjoy." Well, if not with such men, whom will I socialize (or: mingle)? Time of writing: on the fifteenth day of the ninth moon in the sixth year.
說明﹕所謂氣勢﹐在英文中當然不同於在中文裡。不能把原文裡的四字排比句的氣勢﹐來加于英文﹐而說英文中沒有氣勢。那就是外行話了。英文中的氣勢應該是﹕句子簡潔有力﹐節奏感強。當然﹐必須在確切達意的前提下。如果譯文與原文在意思上有一定距離的﹐如果譯文太嚕囌﹐如果譯文有不少錯誤或不妥處﹐就沒必要去談氣勢問題了。但如果有人朗讀不出其間之不同﹐那說明學英文時朗讀沒過關。不論寫中文英文﹐寫好後得朗讀幾遍﹐才能確定寫的好壞究竟如何。
有人說名人的翻譯不能批評。似乎批評了就顯得我不謙虛﹐傲慢自大。所以偶有個別網友以不切實際的惡言相詬﹐而無確切的分析說理態度。古人說“學無前後﹐達者為師”。我在評論時﹐根本不看譯者是誰﹐只看譯文本身如何。該批該贊純看譯文水平如何﹐不在乎譯者之名望。要搞學問﹐就得以此態度來探討。否則怎能提高學問﹐以期突破前人水平。難道要使原來的學術技能越來越失傳﹐每況愈下嗎﹖ |
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发表于 2012-8-20 00:52:24
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提升卡
置顶卡
沉默卡
喧嚣卡
变色卡
抢沙发
千斤顶
显身卡
